In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Tech Overlord Announces Rebrand of Company That Already Ruined the World
A social media mogul and person with an unnerving tendency to never blink has announced a “rebrand” of his company, which is famously known to have precipitated the collapse of democracies world over. While the new name is yet to be announced, speculations suggest something along the lines of “Hellfire,” “Absolute Damnation,” “All Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” or simply, and more on-brand with the minimalist style of tech lords: “Face,” as in, face the inevitable collapse of human civilization. Not content with creating a terrible situation here in the real world, the tech wizard will create a ‘metaverse’ where people can spend their time feeling meta-terrible, after feeling merely terrible out here.
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National Leader Congratulates Himself for Personally Administering 1 Billion Vaccine Doses
In an address to the nation upon reaching the one billion vaccines mark, the man who was personally responsible for giving people their injections congratulated himself on a job well done. As a result of his hard work, the nation was gifted one billion images of his face. Some did not even need the vaccine — just the photograph alone was enough to protect against the coronavirus. The leader also brought up his other famously effective strategies in containing the pandemic, such as lighting lamps and making noise to scare the virus away. Now, his face alone is enough to do the job, according to scientists.
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The Artist Formerly Known As Kanye West Breaks Precedent, Includes Actual Letters in New Name
In a move that is a relief for the world of music journalism, rapper and person formerly known as Kanye West has changed his name to simply: Ye. As in, peace be on Ye, the copywriters, who are forced to deal with this every alternate day that he is in the news. This has been hailed as a blessing to those who were afraid of what the next legend in the world of music would come up with for a name rebrand. Indeed, reports suggest that “Ye” is even meant to be pronounced phonetically — a revolutionary break in precedent. One need not look very far to know who set the precedent in the first place: seek and Ye shall find a certain Prince.
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Completely Made-Up Comic Book Character Declines To Comment on India’s National Security
A character who is drawn with color pencils, probably, has unexpectedly drawn the ire of a nation’s fervent nationalists. A clip from a trailer depicted Superman turning “disputed territory” into an arms-free zone. “Superman has no right to interfere in India’s private affairs,” said one outraged netizen. Many felt that the clip undermined the country’s democracy. National security experts have indeed long been fearful of Superman’s extraordinary powers to jump out of the pages of a comic to weaken the most powerful democracies of the world. Governments have also kept a watchful eye on Super Mario, who poses a similar imminent threat.
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World Shooketh As Powerful Man Accused of Being Inappropriate to Women at the Workplace
A man whose net worth allows him to buy the planet of Saturn with his spare change was shockingly discovered to have been most ungentlemanly with his power. Reports suggest that the man, who in the past had been spotted gallivanting with a sex trafficker, sent inappropriate work emails to women employees some years ago. The idea that a powerful boss can take advantage of his position was unprecedented for people alive everywhere.
