In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

TV’s Quintessential White Woman Confidently Turns Lehenga Into Saree Just By Saying So

White woman acts the part of a coy Indian woman receiving compliments for her “saree”, woman in gladiator belt looks on

America, that melting pot of cultures, has once again melted a whole culture into one. A prominent television show features its main character flaunting a designer Indian dress that some (the rest of the world) would correctly call a ‘lehenga’ or, ‘I’m not sure, can you tell me what it is?’ But in this show, the garment in question is a saree, the same way kimonos are sometimes, say, shapewear, if a white person says so. The actor received accolades for her performance, and is generating buzz for a potential win in the Best White Woman in New York City category. Awards’ juries are reportedly impressed with the way she captured the New Yorker White Woman essence, manifesting confidence from the universe and aligning her chakras to do some heavy cultural “appreciating” for the scene. Academics say it is a postmodern interpretation of culture and fashion, which was definitely what the franchise was going for.

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Man Loses 20 Minutes of Life in Traffic, Supporters Pray for His Long Life

Image of man experiencing traffic for the first time for representational purposes

A man accustomed to helicopters and military tankers faced the life changing experience of being stuck in traffic for 20 minutes, prompting the nation to go into a frenzy. Owing to crossed wires over logistics, the man lost precious minutes of his life waiting to pass through a road, which he promptly declared to be an attempt on his life. Concerns over his well-being for going through such an unprecedented ordeal have flooded the media. Commuters across the nation lent their heartfelt support to the man for this unprecedentedly long wait, and are up in arms about the “security breach.” The security breached, of course, is whatever guards the nation’s collective sanity as it deals with its biggest crisis — soothing this man’s ego.

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Reality Family and Grift That Keeps on Giving Announces Yet Another Reality Show

Now where have we seen these faces before?

America’s real first family is back with yet another reality show that follows the minutiae of their lives — one which nobody asked for, but which everyone will soon get anyway. The new show will be brand new, and different from their previous show with an 11-year-run that followed the minutiae of their lives. Viewers can now expect unprecedented salacious treats such as pregnancy scandals, relationship breakdowns, and dramatic family fights. This brand new format with unheard of drama promises to redefine reality TV as we know it, leaving the world waiting with bated breath.

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Another Covid19 Variant Inconveniences Live Laugh Lovers

An aesthetic filter on the virus turns the whole situation — spreading positivity in more ways than one

The Live Laugh Love Republic is in trouble. The country, whose inhabitants are famously known for their positive outlook on life even amidst disease and death, is once again forced to keep its cheer muted. Citizens who are accustomed to seeing “the bright side” of things don’t appreciate how the coronavirus blindsided them by introducing another variant without prior notice. But the nation is reportedly adopting a unique coping mechanism of galloping through open meadows, throwing glitter and sprinkles in the air to combat the virus particles and spread positivity literally and figuratively. Their hope, according to a representative, is to eradicate the virus by neutralising it with the glitter, the sound of uncontrollable laughing, and finally, by hugging it away. “This variant is called IHU” for a reason: it means ‘I heart u’ and what could be a greater message to spread joy than that? We think the virus is actually a gift,” one citizen, who exclusively moves through cartwheels, said.

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Man Who Built TV Career on Dehumanizing Jokes Is Not Done Yet

The man who singlehandedly ruined both comedy and nights

A man singlehandedly responsible for the flavor of “veg” and “non-veg” WhatsApp humor is moving from TV to OTT. His oeuvre comprises jokes which gave Indian uncles permission to make everyone uncomfortable at parties. Another of his notable contributions to the world of Indian comedy is the clown-like sound effects reminding people when to laugh, how much, and at whom. Not a single day passes untouched by this man’s legacy of stale marriage jokes, wife jokes, cross-dressing jokes, and any joke that makes anyone who inhabits the earth and who isn’t an upper-caste, cis-het man like him, miserable. Even with this impressive array of talent, he is not done yet.