In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
U.S. President Seeks Expertise of K-Pop Band to Solve Anti-Asian Crimes
The current most powerful man on Earth with every resource at his disposal has sought the expertise of a musician group from another country to solve an issue in his own. The United States President invited a K-pop band to seek their advice on solving hate crimes against Asians in the US. The leader, by invoking Korean musicians to solve a systemic issue in his own country, successfully forged diplomatic peace and proved that representation does indeed matter when he represented the true extent of his political will. Upon realizing that the band comes with its own army, the man seized upon the opportunity to let them take care of the problem, seeing as the country’s own armies are otherwise occupied overseas. The cross-country exchange of military prowess having thus been accomplished, peace was returned to the land once again, and Asian Americans could rest knowing they were safe in the hands of the newly “woke”-ned, educated, listening, and learning leader.
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Male Actor Evolves From Confused Youth Straight to God
In an unprecedented career boost for men, a male actor who spent the better part of two decades coming of age has finally transcended age altogether to become a god in his next role. Reports suggest he spent his whole life practicing being a youth with angst preparing for this very role: a youth with superhuman angst. With the trailer depicting him holding a trident amid blazing fires and dramatic swells of trumpeting music, critics note the actor’s career trajectory with pride: all that this man needed, after all, was divine intervention to address his characters’ confused restlessness and god complex.
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Woman Pulls a Fast One on Patriarchy, Marries Self
In another week in the simulation, a woman proved that things actually don’t mean anything when she announced her nuptials to herself. As the media descended on the woman in a frenzy, sociologists kicked themselves for not explaining the concept of social constructs this way, and scientists are racing to calculate how long it would take before the act rips a void in space-time from its sheer futurism. Meanwhile, intelligence agencies are reportedly investigating the woman for how she blew the whistle on a carefully guarded secret kept by states and powerful entities everywhere: that all of this is made up, and nothing matters. The “Big Day” was thus replaced by “Big Feminism” and its devious ploy to plant an agent of chaos in patriarchy-controlled areas — which is to say, everywhere.
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Actor Drops All Pretense, Morphs Into Reverse Pinocchio
You’ve heard of the puppet who turned into a boy, now meet the man whose wish to turn into a puppet came true. An actor by profession, the man stopped acting altogether in his new film where he blatantly pandered to religious extremists and invited ruling officials to watch a job well done. Pleased with his feat, the politicians–turned–wish-granters gave him the ultimate honor of turning the man into their own personal puppet — made of the wood of maple. In achieving this final form, the actor’s next role will reportedly be as a dancer, playing to the party’s tunes.
