Wholesome Word Game Acquired by Big Word, Radicalizes Fans Against Capitalism

The poor little game lost in the labyrinth of evil Big Word CorpTM

The overnight, abrupt sale of the internet’s favorite word game to a corporate media machine has made many see red — both literally and figuratively. Awakened to the nefarious schemes of Big Word, netizens have said that enough is enough. Capitalism could be tolerated until now, while everything else essential to survival has been on fire, but from this day forward no more. Gone are the days of small shared pleasures that continue to be accessible, just under a different name. Indeed, this has been strike six, and it is time to draw the line. There are no longer any bigger fish to fry, as this is the biggest of them all. With the new revolutionary spirit, everyone rather concerned about the state of affairs fiercely took matters into their own hands and incited a mass moving on overnight. The world(le) will never be the same.

*

Govt Allocates Entire Budget for Industry, Leaves Human Welfare With Good Vibes Only

A people-first financial plan

In its recently announced budget for the new year, the government has shown that it not only has 2020, but also 2022 vision. So progressive is the new plan that the government was able to progress from the question of money for useful things very quickly. And after having given everything over to big industries, the approach towards people’s welfare is a radical, vibes–based model that will inject growth into people’s welfare like nothing else. The government promises a lot of living, laughing, and loving in the year ahead, and will aim to keep spirits up through nationwide exercises like clapping and banging plates.

*

Feminism Achieves Biggest Win With Cartoon Mouse Exchanging Dress for Pants

Woman makes history — or should we say, herstory?
Image credit: Disney Paris EN on Twitter

To usher in women’s history month, a media corporation known for historically questionable representations of women turned over a new leaf with its oldest character. A cartoon mouse, known for her iconic role of SpouseTM of a more famous cartoon mouse, exchanged her red polka dot dress for a pantsuit. That’s right, women’s history month has never been as radical as 2022, when the world officially ran out of things to remember about women and all is finally well. The pantsuit — a navy blue suit with polka dots — was designed by a very famous designer, and was a labor of love for which five whole minutes were reportedly spent on Microsoft Paint. The mouse’s husband is trembling, and the mouse marriage has reportedly come under strain with these new developments. But we support a girl boss mouse who can wear pants in an actual suit, unlike her husband who just hangs around in shorts all day. Get it together man.

*

Korean Zombie Horror Now Most Realistic Take on High School

A regular day in high school

There are a few TV shows about high school on air, all claiming to represent an authentic portrayal of the experience. But none hold their own against a new Korean show about a zombie outbreak in school forcing kids to come of age, or die. Zombies are quite pleased with the realistic depiction of zombiehood, and high schoolers are quite content with the accurate portrayal of blood, guts, and gore that is how adolescence feels. Award juries are speculated to nominate it under the “documentary” category, for the way it represents the true horror of high school — especially when the adults throw children under the bus while the world rapidly hurtles towards its end.

*

Earth’s Second Richest Man Shuts Down Publishing House To Raise Funds for Next Space Joyride

Man impressed by his own evil genius

He may be a billionaire to beat all billionaires, but he’s still not the billionaire to beat all billionaires. That title belongs to a certain Peel-on Rusk, and that is very sad. This particular billionaire is upset. But with the unmatched innovation and devil-may-care daring attitude that sent him skyrocketing to the top of the economic feeding chain, our second-favorite rich tech man had a rich tech plan. The plan was to shut down a small publishing house worth less than his pocket change, so he may raise funds for a tiny screw in his trusty spaceship. The missing screw was worth a lot of money indeed, and the billionaire’s plans to surpass the other billionaire-who-must-not-be-named in the race to pointlessly keep visiting space would have gone awry, had it not been for the timely sale of a house of knowledge and literature. The loss is regretted, but overall, necessary for humanity — we would all be better off with more billionaires building space toys and fewer books. At Fahrenheit 451 degrees, this bad boy turned into the hotshot he was destined to be.