In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Woman’s Tweet Simultaneously Upsets National Security and Secure Nationalists
A woman’s three-word tweet recently sent the whole country into a frenzied outrage. In a nation with a formidable defense budget and one of the largest armies in the world, many were concerned that the lone tweet, in question, could undermine it all. Some even suspected another mastermind behind the devious verbal surgical strike: her husband, who is a completely different person. A true patriot completely secure in his nationalism took the opportunity to express his own sadness over the matter, making the country’s reputation his own. As someone who speaks for the nation on all matters of nationalism, he took personal offence at the attempted breach of his pride and gratitude for his country. The country, then, may well survive slights like the actor’s tweet, but not without the strength of one man’s devotion to this country — despite being a citizen of another — that compelled him to give a befitting reply.
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Woman Breathes, Breaks Stan Twitter
A woman’s mere existence has sent a part of the internet into a tailspin. Legend has it that an ancient and terrible curse has been cast upon the population, such that any of said woman’s movements induce a pandemonium of “yaas queen”-ing across the world. Many are desperate to break the spell, seeing as the compulsion to stan has begun interfering with people’s regular lives. Some report tension in their relationships, as the spontaneous bursts of tweeting praises take place at inopportune moments, ruining the spark. Others say it’s hampering their ability to see a life separate from the woman’s Instagram grid. While the scientific community, and shamans alike, are racing to solve the problem, the world continues to grapple with a crisis of stanning proportions.
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Man Files Suit Against World at Large From Using His Image, Voice; Cosmos Next
Exuding the kind of self-assurance that only men can, a man approached a court to file a suit against the world at large and prevent anyone from using his voice or likeness without his permission. Having made the summit to this pinnacle of masculine entitlement, the man is reportedly set to file a suit against the known universe, at large, to prevent it from another action that involves him. Word has it that he will collaborate with astronomers to figure out the exact extent of the cosmos to be more specific in his suit this time around. As for the nature of his complaint against the great beyond? It is one that has the far reaches of the galaxies quaking about their future: he would like them, please, to stop revolving around him.
