Woe Is Me! is a series in which The Swaddle team indulges your pity party with advice you’ll probably ignore.

"My boyfriend was once everything I could ask for — chivalrous, non-problematic, and extremely empathetic. After graduation, he took up a job where he initially took some time to adjust. This led to him spending less time with me. He recently made me meet his office friends, who made casteist and sexist jokes that he would either ignore or sometimes laugh at. The way he talked to me about other people gradually changed, and he became bigoted, too, which made me uncomfortable. He was offended and felt attacked when I confronted him about this. He now expects me to make up to him. What should I do?"

-- On a mission

SA: You certainly don't need to make up to him for anything. He's clearly lashing out and feeling attacked. Think about if the way he speaks has changed only around the said colleagues, or, you know, in general? Seems like he's changing a bit to fit into the new office. While that's not exactly correct, it's pretty common to make small changes to keep the peace in a professional setting. If you feel his behavior has become bigoted overall, though, have a conversation about why the sudden change came on. Also, is it really sudden or was there just no occasion, in the past, for him to show you his true beliefs? Irrespective, if your ideals don't match, best not to waste your time in the relationship. 

NY: Humans are not uni-dimensional creatures, everyone wears multiple faces and this just might be his latest one. So... what do you reckon caused him to change so drastically? And how long have you known him? Did you both spend time mostly in each other's company or were there other people around often?

You know, sometimes the answers we seek lie right under our noses. If he's defending his friends and their bigotry, he probably either resonates with those views, within the safety of closed doors — which did not surface in front of you due to impression management. Or, maybe, he is code-switching in hopes of becoming "one of them" and does not wish to rock the boat.

Either way, as is apparent, it is clearly affecting the dynamic you share with your partner, and such ideological differences can agreeably create irreparable damage to the respect and understanding you share between yourselves. I guess, you could approach the topic again with a strategy: instead of being confrontational, which might make him feel misunderstood and cornered, address the issue like parents are supposed to with children when they do something terrible. Before shaming him for any of the things he's said in the company of his friends, discuss his views, in general, about these topics, and see how he responds. Then, ask him again why he switches sides when he's in a room with other people. Is it possible that he wants to avoid the "woke-activist-type" labeling, or is it that he truly believes in it? You'll have your answer then.

However, don't let him gaslight you, if he continues to become agitated and doesn't reciprocate the grace you're giving him -- walk away. I mean it. It will only be so long before these words turn into action.

AS: You don’t need to make it up to him. I think you did the right thing by calling out his bigoted behavior. It could be that your boyfriend is making such remarks to “fit in” at the office. It’s possible he felt attacked and reacted a certain way when you raised this with him because… I don’t know… maybe, deep down, he knows it to be true? It’s important to speak about these issues; have an open conversation, let him say his bit, and put your point of view forward in a calm manner. But if he is unable to understand that his remarks make you uncomfortable, and is, instead, expecting you to make up to him for somehow offending him, then I don’t think there’s much else you can do. Plus, if he’s punching down to fit in with his colleagues, that doesn’t sound like a healthy space for him, or by extension, you, to be in.