Romantic love is less defined than ever. But one thing that hasn't changed? Falling out of love being relegated to the status of grave, personal failures that one must strive to avoid. Here’s how Karen Kayser defines falling out of love in her book When Love Ends: “[T]he gradual loss of emotional attachment, including a decline in caring about the partner, an emotional estrangement, and an increasing sense of apathy and indifference toward one’s spouse.” Put that way, it sounds cold, and indeed painful. But it doesn’t have to be. In fact, actively trying to fall out of love could even help the heartbroken.

“It’s a hangover from the past in which divorce was considered ‘bad’... Nowadays, we live so long that the old idea of ‘forever,’ which was to stay together and have children until they were independent, doesn't work anymore… Things are very different, and, perhaps, we need to reinvent and redefine the idea of the relationship –- of how long it lasts, what it is for, and what we want to get from it.. The old model of what a partnership looks like cannot be stuck on top of what younger generations are experiencing now – it doesn’t work anymore," says Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist, explaining the reason behind social framing breakups as moral failings. “A breakup is not a failure. You learned that something was not suitable for you, for the other person, or for both of you… If one or both partners are unhappy in a relationship, why would you stay?”

The culture of compulsory monogamy – that imposes a one-size-fits-all model for romantic relationships – is arguably one of the significant factors in the cultural demonization of falling out of love. This rigid structure enforces the belief that love should be everlasting, failing to acknowledge the fluidity of human emotions and the diversity of relationship dynamics – preventing honest discussions and hindering individuals from pursuing healthier, more fulfilling relationship paths. This also prevents the recognition of the fact that sometimes, falling out of love can be liberating.

The result: when someone falls out of love, it triggers societal anxieties around diverging from the traditional path – manifesting as judgment and criticism for not living up to the prescribed norms. “Consider the terminology. We say that a relationship has 'broken down,' or 'failed,' or 'ended'. It is negative and shaming,” Blair notes, urging people to reconsider the rhetoric around breakups. Breaking up because of the loss of romantic love then feels like the worst possible scenario, without regard for the fact that falling out of romantic love can free people to pursue a different form of relationship all together.

When we demonize falling out of love, we don’t just mischaracterize the morality of the situation – we also assume that love is static, unchanging, and homogenous. But who – in the larger scheme of things – can really define what love is? For some, it’s comfort and intimacy. For others, it could be stability. But the conception of love – and falling out of it – is overwhelmingly associated with the loss of passion.

Plus, falling out of love is as much of an emotional experience as falling in love – because emotions are involved. According to a 2013 paper, the gradual loss of love can be determined by a plethora of themes ranging from “loss of trust, of intimacy, and of feeling loved; emotional pain; and negative sense of self.” The study goes on to note that family and marriage therapists could assist in decreasing these themes where they emerge, showing how often, falling out of love is a process no one individual is clearly responsible for, or deliberate. In its readiness to vilify people for falling out of love, however, what society often overlooks is that people who truly did love each other don’t often want to fall out of love. “Humans can fall out of love with someone, just not deliberately. To suggest that humans deliberately act in a way that depletes a basic need runs contrary to the basic nature of what makes us human and what science tells us about our species,” Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist, told The New York Times. “Love and affection are basic human needs. We can’t deliberately deny ourselves of it. That would be like saying we could consciously choose to stop breathing. We don’t have that power, and to pretend we do is a way for the psyche to trick itself into thinking it has control.” In other words, people are probably not saying it to hurt you. Radical honesty about no longer being in romantic love could be the kind thing to do, and possibly, a way to remain in platonic love.

Nonetheless, falling out of love happens anyway – ushering in a seemingly unending period of unpleasantness. “After being in a romantic partnership with someone, falling out of love with someone can be a painful experience,” notes a 2020 article in the journal Ethical Theory and Moral Practice. “This may also be a painful process filled with denial, anger, and self-pity. Besides causing emotional pain, falling out of love with someone one is – or was – in a loving relationship with can be potentially disruptive for self-understanding.”

Vilifying falling out of love, then, vilifies what’s often an organic, human process. People change, circumstances change, and so do feelings – it’s normal. “That might be that one partner has very much changed and feels their partner hasn’t changed in tandem with them. Or both partners might feel they’ve both fundamentally changed and can’t meet each others’ needs – emotional and/or sexual – anymore… it could be impossible to rekindle what you had in the first place,” Ammanda Major, a relationship therapist, told Cosmopolitan. “Some people know if a relationship isn’t meeting enough of their needs that they need to end it.”

It’s also possible that what one mistook for love wasn’t that, at all. “[Some people] get to know themselves better and realize they were never really in love but in fantasy,” writes Carolyn Joyce, a journalist who focuses on psychology. “A fantasy bond is created when a couple replaces the substance of real relating with the form of being a couple. They start to overstep each other’s boundaries [and] fall into routine [where they] start to do things out of habit or expectation as opposed to real passion or interest… [E]ngaging in these patterns can drive a couple further and further not only from each other, but from themselves and their loving feelings,” Joyce adds, arguing, “No one should ever force themselves to stay in any situation in which they feel miserable and less like themselves.”

Besides, love isn't the only reason people stay in relationships. Economic stability and social status play a role too -- over individual happiness in romantic relationships. As such, ending a relationship because it isn’t personally fulfilling can be perceived as a selfish act. But here’s a more radical thought: maybe loveless relationships don’t have to be so awful. Staying together for practical reasons – without demonizing the lack of romantic love – may end up making the experience easier and lend more stability. Or not. Either way, we tend to overplay the tragedy of falling out of love – in the process, we’re neglecting other emotions and human needs like trust, safety, and stability. It then precludes the possibility of staying in someone’s life, even when romantic love turns into platonic love. It’s still love.

Recognizing that falling out of love is okay, moreover, shows the cracks in the institution of marriage -- because it explains why so many people stay together even when they're no longer in romantic love, and find it difficult to leave. Indeed, it was only in the previous century that marriage was rebranded as being rooted in love, instead of being an economically viable arrangement. “The popular notion about marriage and love is that they are synonymous… Like most popular notions this also rests not on actual facts, but on superstition,” Emma Goldman, a Russian political activist, had written in 1914. “Marriage and love have nothing in common; they are as far apart as the poles... No doubt some marriages have been the result of love. Not, however, because love could assert itself only in marriage; much rather is because few people can completely outgrow a convention. There are today large numbers of men and women to whom marriage is naught but a farce, but who submit to it for the sake of public opinion.”

Is it possible for love to last forever – without putting a ceiling on “forever”? Yes – despite theories like the “honeymoon phase” and the “seven-year itch” suggesting otherwise. But truly being in love – not just staying together to avoid stigma – is rarer than we think, and depends on much more than dating columns delve into. As Gabija Toleikyte, a neuroscientist explained, “[L]ove, as a greater experience, can last. But if any steps have been compromised, for example, someone learns that a person is completely different to who we got to know, that can change the experience.”

The stigma, however, discourages open and honest communication about the evolution of feelings in a relationship. Healthy and constructive discussions about changing emotions are essential for individuals to make informed decisions about the future of their partnerships; without them, couples can remain in situations where love has faded, leading to dissatisfaction and unhappiness for both parties. “[W]hen people do address the problems at an earlier stage, they go on to reinvigorate the relationship and carry on in a way that’s happy for both of them," says Major.

Nonetheless, the rise of no-fault divorce and the increased acceptance of non-traditional relationship structures – like open relationships and polyamory – challenge the conventional narrative that love should be monogamous and eternal. These shifts in societal attitudes – slow as they might seem – highlight that relationships are not one-size-fits-all and that there are many valid ways to navigate the complexities of love and partnerships. And sometimes, there simply isn’t a future that can accommodate the aspirations of two people together. And that's okay.