In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Amid Catastrophic Weather Events, Man’s Saliva Becomes Matter of International Concern
Some places in the world are currently drowning under too much water; others have little to survive on. But the world’s eye is trained on one specific part of the world, where one man’s saliva was the subject of much debate. Did he spit on another man — his colleague — or not? Netizens spared no expense in investigating the matter urgently. Only the most advanced technology was deployed to zoom into the scene and detect traces of water content in the radius of the man’s mouth. Not even space explorations looking for water on other planets could compare. It was truly yet another moment for science to intervene, as it was confronted with the curious case of Schrödinger’s Spit. As many parts of the globe fortify themselves against near-Biblical levels of water scarcity and abundance simultaneously, this was an altogether different water-related situation that none were prepared for. While it remains to be seen how the international community responds to the crisis at hand, the media has courageously risen to the occasion to report on the calamity of spitacular proportions — over all other water crises. One spit to rule them all.
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Actor Performs Public Service, Reviews Biscuit Brands
A socially-conscious actor recognized a dire problem that nobody had thus far addressed: the glaring lack of discourse around biscuits. Why, indeed, aren’t we talking about this? Fortunately, we have the movie star who is — very passionately — talking about this. Her bid to raise awareness about a forgotten-but-critical issue of our times started a much-needed conversation about Big Biscuit and its monopoly over our tastebuds. In individually reviewing various biscuit brands, the star shed light on the secrets that biscuits have been hiding from the general public: that different flavors taste different.
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Reality Star With Uncanny Ability to Sustain Lavish Lifestyle Announced as Fashion Brand’s Sustainability Ambassador
A reality star was recently nominated to be a fashion brand’s sustainability ambassador. She is known for her long list of sustainability credentials: such as sustaining a wasteful lifestyle, public ire, and a steady contribution of TMI. These values are reportedly aligned with those of the brand’s — a fast fashion company committed to sustaining the world’s supply of waste, pollution, and exploitative labor practices. “It was a match made in sustainable heaven,” said one inside source, about the coming together of two sustainability pioneers. The star will thus represent the brand’s endeavors to sustain its own relevance, and it remains to be seen how long its combined vision will sustain.
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Fans of Fantasy Series Unable to Imagine Characters of Color in a World With Immortal Elves
In a land full of magic light-emitting trees, a dark god, an evil sorcerer, and his inhuman minions, eager fans took issue with the implausibility of non-white characters. While they concurred that some suspension of disbelief is warranted, they were reluctant in suspending too much. While shooting-star creatures and sea monsters were permissible, the difference in skin color was where many drew the line. Fans’ loyalty to the show’s source material — an expansive fantasy series with wide interpretive value — precluded them from allowing any such liberties to be taken with characters who didn’t even exist in the original canon. It is unclear, at this point, how they will cope with the realization that non-white people existed throughout the history of our species, much less the fact that they can reasonably exist among other, completely made up beings. But hotlines have been set up to prepare for this eventuality, where fans come to the upsetting epiphany that their prejudice does not a story make.
