In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Indians Surprised and Outraged That Colonizers Keep Big Diamond for Themselves

The solution to all the woes of a country on fire

Indians are on a decolonizing spree, and have turned their attention once more to a very large diamond that is in the hands of colonizers. According to the latest reports, the Colonizer-in-Chief will hand the diamond down to her daughter-in-law when she ascends the throne, news that has left the decolonizers in a tizzy. The injustice is hard to bear, given that this diamond’s absence from the country is all that stands in the way of its ultimate liberation. If this big shiny rock were to come back here, exactly zero things would change materially. However, many assert that it is the thought that counts, and are hurt that the colonizing family continues to be so thoughtless. Indians’ feelings about this diamond that nobody will ever get to touch, feel, or keep, are of course paramount to the cause — the cause being feeling pride for a few days that a rock is back in our possession. This, notwithstanding the fact that it changed hands from one royal to another, and has always belonged to a class of people who inherit the right to this sparkly trinket.

*

The Sun Has Enough of Disruptive Tech

The solar system has not recovered since this happened

There comes a time in every epoch when the universe intervenes to put an end to mankind’s shenanigans. That time for this epoch is now, as a massive solar storm violently destroyed some satellites that were hurtling around where they didn’t need to be. A human who decided to disturb the universe’s relatively undisturbed peace with first, a random car, has not yet been chastened by the Sun’s burst of irritation. Now, the man is locked in a cosmic battle with a life-giving ball of gas to prove to it that he has good reason to keep sending stuff near it, and it’s called innovation. Reports suggest that the man himself will make the trip into space next, for a tough negotiation with the Sun. It remains to be seen what the Sun’s response will be.

*

Sangh Raises Alarm on International Footballer’s Side Gig as Paid Urban Naxal

Man unpleasantly surprised to hear he is trending on Sanghi Twitter

Sound the alarm and inform the police. Call in the national guard, because an international conspiracy is afoot. A football player with a salary running into the millions has taken up a nefarious side gig for some pocket change — targeting some colleges in another country to undermine their credibility. When the star posted his support for Muslim girls being denied an education at said colleges, keen sniffer Sanghis smelled a conspiracy from a thousand miles away. They took their coveted intelligence to stenographers, who published a courageous and unprecedented op-ed laying it all bare Scooby Doo-style. The footballer is reportedly devastated at being found out this way.

*

Statue of Aggressively Hindu Man Built for Equality

Lots of equality going on here

The government recently unveiled a statue that is equal only to the wildest fantasies of who embodies equality: a Brahmin man. The statue, built in the likeness of someone famous for discoursing in Sanskrit and preaching philosophies that cannot and do not apply to most people, has been named the “Statue of Equality.” Indeed, every inch of this 216 feet tall behemoth — carrying at least an equivalent number of caste markers — screams equality. Why yes, the thing under which girls who wear religious markers are denied an education, that one!

*

Balanced Media Outlet Confused About Whether Muslim Women Deserve Education

Balance and objectivity achieved with nothing on the scales

A media outlet known for its fairness and balanced takes has weighed in on yet another issue: do Muslim women who wear hijabs deserve rights? A brave columnist tackled the question with nuance and sensitivity, taking care to balance women’s rights with the government’s whims. He had a very objective opinion on the matter — in that he reduced the women involved to objects resembling dartboards for every Tom, Dick, and Harry to throw their opinion. The fair assessment amounted to this: that it was unfair to put the government through so much trouble, because all the government is trying to do through denying women an education is to further their equality. Such fearless clarity of thought has not been seen in a long time — the thoughts were indeed cleared of all sense.