In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Men’s Rights Activists Strike Against Marriage, Unaware They Are Fulfilling Feminists’ Dreams

Their bodies, their choice (to rape in a marriage with no consequences)

In another round of heated debate around an issue concerning women’s rights — and whether they deserve to have them — passionate men’s rights activists staged a “marriage strike.” They aim to boycott the institution of marriage, claiming that it oppresses them as men. At the heart of the issue is marital rape: these advocates for justice say that criminalizing rape in a marriage will put a target on men’s backs, and the solution, therefore, is to dissolve marriage itself. In the meantime, feminists are thrilled at this turn of events for they, too, are tired of marriage putting a target on their backs and want to quit this institution. If only the men could also join forces with them, right? Luckily, now that they have, patriarchy is finished and everybody can go home. Not to their spouses though, — that would be disastrous for everyone involved, especially the hapless men.

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In Unprecedented Precedent, Male Actor Allowed Privacy Post-divorce

Man happy at avoiding negative press, unlike other unfortunate male actors in this situation

An actor has become a rare specimen among public figures after announcing his separation from his wife. Shockingly though, the media had no comments whatsoever on said actor’s fidelity, covetousness, or what his ex spouse’s distinguished family would think of him. The idea that a man in a hero-worshipping country could actually expect respect from fans and paps alike sent shockwaves through the Kollywood industry, which is utterly unused to this state of affairs. This man was not only allowed to continue his acting career after his marriage, but was also allowed to grow and win national awards, shattering stereotypes about married male actors. Now, with his request for privacy after announcing his divorce from his high profile wife, the public showed great maturity indeed in respecting his wishes and sending prayers his way. Gone are the dark days when male actors were fair game for vilification for not acting with their wives onscreen, performing “bold” scenes, and then going through real life divorces. A new dawn lies ahead indeed.

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Matrimonial Site Will Now Advocate Rainbow Racism, Colorful Casteism

The three genders: pink, grey, and both, in holy matrimony

India’s best matrimonial service “took the ‘homo’ from “homogeneity” and made history with it,” according to a representative. Now, LGBTQ+ individuals can shatter societal norms by seeking its services to look for fair, qualified, and tall partners within the same caste. The move was so progressive and veered so far to the left that it left the linear political graph and entered a fourth dimension of wokeness altogether. Those who hailed the initiative felt it was a great way to remind people that same sex marriage is still illegal in India, thereby raising awareness about the issue indirectly. With the looming threat of “Marriage Strikers” abounding, sources say that the makers were concerned over the popularity of marriage overall. “We don’t want Shaadi to become barbaadi,”an anonymous representative said. Little do they know.

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Hologram Statue, Whatever That Means, To Be Unveiled This Weekend

A representation of the freedom fighter with more substance

A freedom fighter whose mysterious death was the subject of several conspiracy theories may now rest easy. Even as his body was never found, the 21st century scion of development found the best way to honor him — through a ghostly hologram. This weekend, the country will get to see the leader not quite in the flesh, or even in stone, but in a curious play of light operated by an “On”/”Off” switch, we assume. Sources say we may soon expect holograms of elected representatives too, so as to not feel the glaring void of governance quite so strongly. It is expected to be a sight for sore eyes for many seeking at least the illusion of people present to do their job of running the country the freedom fighter is, perhaps, just a test run for this initiative.

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Religious Sentiments in Dire Health Crisis After Grievous Injury Over Chocolate Wrapper

The offending weapon in question / Image Credit: @sanjeebshaw1/Twitter

Hospitals around the country are on high alert. A wave of targeted warfare has been waged against religious sentiments, as they rush in with mortal wounds inflicted by a deadly chocolate wrapper. In a shocking series of premeditated attacks, a food company printed photos of a religious deity on a chocolate wrapper. Why, you may ask. The response is that terror has no motive. The move managed to evade intelligence completely as it unleashed its destruction onto vulnerable religious sentiments just minding their own business.