In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Spiritual Guru Helpfully Reminds Women That They’re Not Okay
A certain sad guru is feeling the blues. In a recent sermon, he expressed heartfelt concern that women may think they are doing well when unbeknownst to them, they really aren’t. Wearing high heels and lipstick and walking around, in his opinion, represented the most tell-tale sign that women simply feel like they’re fine. Before women got too carried away under a temporary spell of joy ushered in by make-up, the man helpfully fact-checked them: their temporary bliss actually represents the “extermination of the feminine.” Experts have begun to try and crack this cryptic message that contains the secret of women’s unhappiness. Preliminary tests suggest that it isn’t patriarchy, violence, and a generally misogynistic society that’s responsible: as the spiritual advisor hinted, Big Heel, Big Lipstick, and Big Foot may be the culprits. As someone who only wishes women well, the baba warned that “the female will suffer without knowing what she is suffering.” “Women will start to feel like ghosts,” went the dire tiding. Another lesser-known symptom is showing muscles — a bodily tissue that only men supposedly possess. Preventing the loss of the feminine, then, would involve relinquishing agency to dress, walk, and flex how we please — and returning to the comfortable equilibrium of sexism.
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Fully Adult Man Calls Own Wife His Manager
A man who recently turned 40 revealed the secret to his… rather youthful, adolescent personality. It’s his manager, who is supposedly the best in the world: his wife. The actor dished on the happy couple’s happy dynamic: one has things to do, and the other does them for him. Science has indeed concurred that the secret to a man’s youth is his manager wife, joined together in holy matrimonial management. Thanks to the efforts of his pregnant spouse, the man can continue to come of age on screen and regale audiences with his childish antics. Toy companies, inspired by the idea, have begun to manufacture “Grow Your Own Husband” dolls for little girls, to reinforce their role in a marriage and provide early practice for the life — and life-long — event. Business schools are in the process of introducing husband management degrees to aspiring, career-driven women, as managing a man is a business that never stops, grows irrelevant, or becomes archaic.
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Man Sincerely Promises to Return to Site of Mourning
An actor committed to learning more about how hatred ruined the world cut short his visit to a somber historical site — signing off with a famous catchphrase from his movie. The man successfully drew attention to the cause by making it all about himself. Indeed, his visit to the place — open to all members of the public — was so transformative that it singlehandedly changed world leaders’ minds about war, genocide, and crimes against humanity. The symbolic gesture of showing solidarity against hatred by visiting a place like anyone else earned the actor many accolades for his humanitarian efforts. The promise to return, then, only sealed the deal.
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In Far-Right Victory for Feminism, Woman Fascist Becomes Country’s President
They say the girlboss is dead. But they might be in for a surprise: a country just elected its first woman fascist, and many former girlbosses have risen from their girlboss graves to celebrate the moment. They noted how it was an important milestone for women’s rights, and represents a neglected aspect of them: their right to be fascist. The country’s leader is touted to be a role model for little girls who see their own future in her, as she leads the country into the past. For anyone who felt that certain global events of the last century were lacking in representation, the empowerment of this woman into a position of unbridled power over other human beings is bound to repair this historical flaw.
