In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.

Women Actors Defy Expectations by Being Friendly to One Another

Two cats not fighting, to everyone’s shock and surprise

Two actors were spotted at a movie screening together. Unable to comprehend, the media went into a tizzy trying to work out the complex equation involved in the two seemingly getting along. With just a single photograph, the women defied all expectations faster than you can say “catfight.” The shocking revelation was that they were neither cats nor were they fighting; it upended the delicate balance of the universe and sent commentators reeling with vertigo. Not only do the two women have films releasing in the same month, but one is also the ex of the other’s current partner. This impossible phenomenon, where women have more to them than tabloids would have us believe, is speculated to be a glitch in the matrix. Scientists are rushing to learn more.

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Director Honored With Prestigious Goathood on Twitter

Man pleased with prestigious recognition

Twitter dethroned the British monarchy’s monopoly over honorary titles. A director recently received a high accolade: Goathood. His name on Twitter will now be accompanied by a goat emoji, a badge of utmost honor and respect for his talent. Those in tune with the zeitgeist will be aware that GOAT stands for “greatest of all time” — unfortunately, this acronym is not known across time. It is uncertain at this time what historians from the future will make of this. The prestigious title may not be for all time after all, but for some time, it is quite enough.

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Studio Execs Worried That Movie Villain Who Kills for Fun Seen Smoking May Send the Wrong Message

Villain laughs maniacally, hatching a sinister plot, deemed concerning due to cigarette in hand

A comic book villain — known for his iconic tuxedo, top-hat, and cigar look — was forced to abandon a smoking hot accessory for an upcoming film adaptation. Studio executives were concerned that children watching the character, whose devious scheming leads to the death of innocents, may influence them to take up smoking as a habit. The possibility of imbibing manic laughter, an ornithological fetish, and not to mention more killing was not considered threatening to impressionable minds; but smoking was where the line had to be firmly drawn.

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White Comedian Surprised To Learn There Is More Than One ‘Chopra’

White person explaining her remarks convincingly

A white person was surprised to learn that people outside America have the concept of surnames — and they also use these words commonly. The woman, as someone from a country with an affliction to consider itself as the center of the world, misidentified an actor from another country for someone else’s daughter. Calling her a “Chopra wife,” she later fumbled over an apology while acknowledging that she has learned from her mistake — that last names are not unique to American culture.

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Hollywood Takes Leaf Out of Bollywood as Actor, 35, Is Cast as Mother to Actor, 25

Man positively shines with youth; woman looks on agedly

Two actors with a 10-year age gap have been cast in roles — a formula straight out of Bollywood’s playbook. It appears that Hollywood has taken casting lessons from the Indian film industry when it cast a 35-year-old woman as a 25-year-old man’s mother. It is unclear at this stage whether this is a function of the woman being past her “shelf-life” or the man being coddled like Peter Pan, or both. Insiders say that Peter Pan will play grandson to a 30-year-old next. Has he Benjamin Button-ed his way backward in the aging scale in Hollywood’s eyes, even as the women move in the opposite direction at increasingly rapid speeds?